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Confessions of a Trainwreck Whore

spingirl | 02 July, 2006 12:34

I will admit it: I love a good celebrity trainwreck. Few things capture my attention in the way a tacky celebrity breakdown does. So, you can probably understand that right now, I am in heaven, sheer heaven. Between the Star Jones/Barbara Walters all-out brawl and the demise of Britney Spears' career, the air is thick with the fires of celebrity self-combustion.

And here I thought fireworks are only for July 4th.


So, first trainwreck to address: Mrs. Star Jones-Reynolds. If there was ever a case of karma being a bitch, this would be the textbook example. Unless you've been living in a cave for the past few days, you have to be somewhat aware of what is going on: Star Jones-Reynolds' contract on "The View" was not renewed, and rather than sticking to the mapped out gameplan and announcing her departure on Thursday, Star opened her mouth on Tuesday at the beginning of the show and shot herself into the upper stratosphere of unemployability. Not only did she make herself look bad, she made her bosses and, more importantly, Babara Walters look bad. A tell-all interview with "People" magazine and a later interview on "Larry King Live" only served to futher break one of the primary rules of television news: Do not piss off the Grand Doyenne of ABC News.

So why is this such a spectacular trainwreck? Because a meltdown of such epic proportions is akin to a wet dream for the millions of viewers Star has annoyed over the past few years with her obnoxious behavior. The 2 biggest annoyances? Star the Bridezilla and Star the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

Now, many of us have had to deal with bridezillas in our lives. But Starzilla, as she is known by many, was a bridezilla the kind of which had never been seen before. Here is a woman who makes millions of dollars, but she still shilled on a daily basis for various advertisers in order to get all sorts of freebies for her wedding. That's the kind of behavior that doesn't really play to the everyday stay-at-home mom or working woman. And needless to say, it didn't do great things for her likeability factor. On top of that, Starzilla had to have her wedding so absolutely exactly her way that she chewed out her co-hosts, on-air, after the wedding, because they had the audacity to switch tables at the receptions.

On the basis of this behavior alone, Star should've have been shown the door. But it gets worse.

Star, a woman who was obese enough that she was having breathing problems, suddenly started melting away in front of viewers eyes. And this was not the gradual kind of weight loss that comes through diet and exercise. Hell, the wasn't even the kind of weight loss that comes from a liquid diet. It was the kind of weight loss that comes from having some sort of procedure done - and everyone with half a brain knew it. But Star refused to even acknowledge that she had had a procedure done, instead implying that diet and exercise were the reason for her tremendous weight loss. On top of that, as she lost more and more weight, Star went from a woman with a reasonably attractive face to someone who looked like an escapee from a creature shop. In fact, except for the skin tone, she might have been mistaken for one the large-eyed, big-headed grey aliens from "South Park."

Now, in the midst of all this delicious schadenfreude, don't think I don't have any sympathy for Star, because I do. I feel sorry for her, if only for one reason: her marriage. Star is married to Al Reynolds, whom many have speculated is gay. Why would people think he was gay?? Well, maybe having a bachelor party at which all of the male attendees had to be naked could have something to do with it. Stories about Al being a happy visitor to Fire Island parties while wearing only a Speedo also abound. So why should this make me feel sorry for Star? Because, I too know what it is like to have been in a relationship with a guy who was, more than likely, gayer than the day is long. While I was dating More-Than-Likely-Gay-Guy (hereafter known as MTLGG), I had my friends, straight and gay alike, telling me dude was gay - in the same way media reports have been informing Star. But, damn it, I loved the guy and was willing to ignore every little bit of information, every clue, that would have led to in the direction of his sexual orientation. Why? Denial. Humiliation. Heartbreak. It hurts to be in love with someone who could never love you back in the same way.

But, you know, after 7 months of being with MTLGG (7 extremely frustrating months, if you get my drift), I realized it was better, for the both of us, to let him go. I still hadn't accepted that he might play for the other side and I was sure he would eventually come back to me, but I wasn't willing to take part in the sham any longer. And it was good, because the next man I started dating seriously turned out to be my absolutely heterosexual current husband. As for MTLGG? We lost touch. But, at least I know that I set him free with as much dignity as I could muster and gave myself the chance to fall in love someone who could love me in the same way I love him.

So, I can feel for Star. It is humilating to be in love with someone who everyone else knows couldn't possibly love you back in the same way. It is humiliating to have spent emotions and effort on a relationship that could never have worked out. I can understand why she was and is so over-the-top about her wedding and marriage - it's a defense against those feelings and the realization that homeboy may not really be all that into you. But Star, honey, it's better when you let go. It's better on the other side. In the words of Sean Connery from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade," "Let it go."

Let it go.

As for Britney - I'll get to her a little later...

Random Musings :: Comment (1) :: Permalink :: Trackbacks (0)

GAY [Reply]

What the fuck do you know about anyone's sexuality? Just because someone doesn't act stereotypically masculine doesn't mean he can't fuck,date and LOVE a woman. Take a look at your own fucked up ideas about gender and sexuality. It sounds pretty limiting to me.

Jesus | 03/08/2006, 03:21

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