Mad Money's Personal Spin

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The Tom Cruise Show

spingirl | 15 February, 2006 09:26

And speaking of vomit inducing...Just in time for Valentine's Day, that master of couch-jumping, the poster boy for the necessity of psychotropic medications, Tom Cruise, is busy issuing denials in light of reports that he and his faux-lady love, Katie Holmes, have broken up.

Really, could we even have had Valentine's Day without TomKat butting in? Both TomKat and V-Day are shining examples of what commercialism, marketing excess, fake sentiment, and too much sugar can do. So, I think not.

Life and Style Magazine reported yesterday: "Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tom's saying: 'Their relationship is basically over.'"

To say a relationship is over, though, implies that there was a relationship to start with. Somehow, I'm not sure that Katie Holmes agreeing to be the beard for Tom after he interviewed several other actresses actually constitutes a relationship. But, then, that's just me.

"Another friend adds: 'They both agreed that the marriage wouldn't work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.'"

We already hate them, so I guess it was only a matter of time before they also learned to hate each other.

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The V is for Vomit-inducing...

spingirl | 14 February, 2006 10:54

So, that celebrated day is here at last: Valentine's Day. A day full of saccharine hearts, grocery store roses, and dime store-purchased sentiment.

In a word: Barf.

Yes, I am a self-admitted Scrooge when it comes to Valentine's Day. Pretty much the only holiday I like is Halloween. At least Halloween is upfront about being a complete fantasy, a fraud, and all about making the cash registers at Wal-Mart go ring. Not like Valentine's Day, which wraps itself in faux sentiment like a 14-year-old boy on his first date douses himself in cheap cologne: they both stink.

Both Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease share the same initials: VD. Coincidence? I think not.

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Advice for a confused biker boy

spingirl | 07 February, 2006 12:40

Dear spingirl,

You know, this isn’t really my style, but I really don’t know where else to go right now. See, I’ve had a bad year. Well a bad couple of years. My girl got killed, so me and my biker gang went to take out the guy we thought did it. Except that the rich white dude, “Hogan,” managed to take me out with a cheap shot. While I was out, somebody knifed one of my boys “Oscar.” Well, me and my gang knew it was Hogan, but he walked on the charge like all of those silver-spooned rich boys do. And then he kicked me and my grandma out of our house. So we went after him, torched his house, y’know. Only, after a while, I got suspicious that Hogan didn’t do it, so he and I decided to try and figure out who did do it. But I couldn’t let on to my biker gang that I was working with Hogan and suspecting one of them - they wouldn't understand - so we had to keep it on the down low. Well, the gang found out about us sneaking around, and they kicked me out of the gang and trashed my motorcycle. So here I am, no longer head of the gang and I don’t know who’s got my back anymore. And if that wasn’t all bad enough, I still have to work with that Richie Rich in order to find out who killed my boy, cause who else is gonna believe a guy like me? So, I guess, I could use a little advice to figure out what my next move is. – signed, Former Leader of the Pack

Dear Pack Animal,

Man it does seem like a crappy year. Sounds like you’ve been kind of locked in a wrenching, sweaty battle with this guy, Hogan. Both of you have been taking no prisoners, locking horns, beating each others asses. And then the sneaking around and having to keep your relationship hidden from your pals, being in a tense situation with this guy you once thought was your enemy. Sounds like a real difficult situation. But I got your answer. Repeat after me.

Say: “Repressed homosexuality.”

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Give me a Wardrobe Malfunction Anyday...

spingirl | 06 February, 2006 10:47

First off, no, I am not a Rolling Stones fan. Never have been, never will be. And yesterday's Super Bowl halftime show certainly isn't going to change that.

For many people, drinking too much beer was the reason for their Super Bowl stomach upset. For me, it was watching Mick Jagger swagger about while flashing bits of his pasty unattractive torso.

Ewww.

Granted, I hope I have that much energy when I, too, am 200-years-old. But watching Mick Jagger shake his very-likely-to-be artifical hips in front of a bunch of screaming teens (who probably were just hoping to get on tv and had no idea who these strange, wrinkly old men on stage were) is not my idea of entertainment. I did get a few giggles out of the befuddled look on Keith Richards face during the entire set ("Where am I? How did I get here?"), but even that got, well, old.

Bring back Janet Jackson's breast any time. It seemed to have a little more entertainment value.

Aggies vs. Seahawks

spingirl | 01 February, 2006 11:39

Well, it seems that my beloved Texas A&M Aggies have decided to enter the pre-Super Bowl XL fray by taking on the Seattle Seahawks over Seattle's use of the trademarked "12th Man" phrase. A lot of mean words have been flying as result. In an effort to help calm tempers, I have decided to attempt to determine who should get the "12th Man" term using a variety of decision points.

By the way, if you you even partially believe that Seattle has a chance of winning my hypothetical showdown, you'd best stop reading about now.

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