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Advice for a seemingly boring man

spingirl | 14 December, 2005 15:17

Dear spingirl,

I have a problem, and I’m not sure who else to turn to. My mother is a sneering, supercilious witch. My father is a somewhat distant computer genius who is on trial for obstruction of justice. And my dog? Well, Molly made the mistake of peeing on the bushes, and that was the last I saw of her.

I have had a rough couple of years. First, my mom told me that my girlfriend was my half-sister. But I still ended up sleeping with her (the girlfriend, not my mom). My actual sister was brutally murdered by my best friend’s dad, with whom she happened to be having an affair, and I was the one who found her body. I dressed up as Ducky from “Pretty in Pink.” The aforementioned girlfriend accused me of murdering my sister, leading me to run away to Cuba, where I grew out my whiskers and read Canadian newspapers. Possible sister told me she’s not my sister, but only after watching video tapes of definite sister have sex with best friend’s father. And my comatose ex-girlfriend, whose little sister is being locked up in a small room in a closet, gave birth to my child. And then died. I think that about covers it. Oh, and I have worn lots of argyle.

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