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Advice for a lonely pup

spingirl | 08 December, 2005 13:36

Dear spingirl,

I have a problem that I hope you can help me solve. I am an adorable pitbull terrier who lives in Southern California with a cute blonde girl and her balding father. Last year, I went through some problems (I went through a very confusing phase where I wasn't sure who I really was - I felt like a completely different dog - but that resolved quickly) But blonde food girl always took me out to the beach, on walks, to chase bad guys, and to stakeouts (did I say steak?). I even got to save her life a couple of time. You would think that would earn me an unending supply of Milkbones and tummy rubs, but no.


I feel neglected and unloved by my people.

I rarely get any attention anymore, only get referred to in passing, and the only person who gave me any attention was this annoying baseball player’s daughter with questionable hygiene who didn’t like “Pride and Prejudice.” (There’s no accounting for taste. I hope I didn’t get any fleas from her) Anyway, I’m a very sad little doggie and would appreciate some advice as to how to get more attention and love. Do you have any suggestions? – Signed, Forgotten plot device

Dear Forgotten Plot Device,

Alas, I understand your pain. It’s difficult being the cute one with no opposable thumbs when it seems like no one is paying attention to you. This is actually a common problem in your neck of the woods – being used, disused, and forgotten like yesterday’s rawhide. It happens a lot in human families, generally to the youngest child. The kid will disappear up the stairs or into their room and never be heard from again. You’re just lucky that your family hasn’t elected to adopt a cute, talkative toddler that spits out catchy one-liners like Paris Hilton spits out – well, I’m getting off-topic. So, you want some attention? Well, you could pee in your balding person’s Rogaine or chew up the blonde food girl’s computer cord, but that is not likely to get you the attention that you want. Instead (and this is just a hunch), I suggest that you start having violent fits in which you foam at the mouth, maybe tear up a pillow or two, and just basically go dog-wild. And then start ignoring the blonde food girl. Completely ignore, no explanation, no message in the kibble, nothing. Perhaps you should also act like another blonde girl is your new person. Let this go on for a little while, then without so much as a butt-sniff, go back to being friendly with your original blonde food person. She will take you back, no questions asked. And she’ll bend over backwards for you too, no matter how many presents you leave for her in her shoes.

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