Mad Money's Personal Spin

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Advice for a confused biker boy

spingirl | 07 February, 2006 12:40

Dear spingirl,

You know, this isn’t really my style, but I really don’t know where else to go right now. See, I’ve had a bad year. Well a bad couple of years. My girl got killed, so me and my biker gang went to take out the guy we thought did it. Except that the rich white dude, “Hogan,” managed to take me out with a cheap shot. While I was out, somebody knifed one of my boys “Oscar.” Well, me and my gang knew it was Hogan, but he walked on the charge like all of those silver-spooned rich boys do. And then he kicked me and my grandma out of our house. So we went after him, torched his house, y’know. Only, after a while, I got suspicious that Hogan didn’t do it, so he and I decided to try and figure out who did do it. But I couldn’t let on to my biker gang that I was working with Hogan and suspecting one of them - they wouldn't understand - so we had to keep it on the down low. Well, the gang found out about us sneaking around, and they kicked me out of the gang and trashed my motorcycle. So here I am, no longer head of the gang and I don’t know who’s got my back anymore. And if that wasn’t all bad enough, I still have to work with that Richie Rich in order to find out who killed my boy, cause who else is gonna believe a guy like me? So, I guess, I could use a little advice to figure out what my next move is. – signed, Former Leader of the Pack

Dear Pack Animal,

Man it does seem like a crappy year. Sounds like you’ve been kind of locked in a wrenching, sweaty battle with this guy, Hogan. Both of you have been taking no prisoners, locking horns, beating each others asses. And then the sneaking around and having to keep your relationship hidden from your pals, being in a tense situation with this guy you once thought was your enemy. Sounds like a real difficult situation. But I got your answer. Repeat after me.

Say: “Repressed homosexuality.”

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Advice for a seemingly boring man

spingirl | 14 December, 2005 15:17

Dear spingirl,

I have a problem, and I’m not sure who else to turn to. My mother is a sneering, supercilious witch. My father is a somewhat distant computer genius who is on trial for obstruction of justice. And my dog? Well, Molly made the mistake of peeing on the bushes, and that was the last I saw of her.

I have had a rough couple of years. First, my mom told me that my girlfriend was my half-sister. But I still ended up sleeping with her (the girlfriend, not my mom). My actual sister was brutally murdered by my best friend’s dad, with whom she happened to be having an affair, and I was the one who found her body. I dressed up as Ducky from “Pretty in Pink.” The aforementioned girlfriend accused me of murdering my sister, leading me to run away to Cuba, where I grew out my whiskers and read Canadian newspapers. Possible sister told me she’s not my sister, but only after watching video tapes of definite sister have sex with best friend’s father. And my comatose ex-girlfriend, whose little sister is being locked up in a small room in a closet, gave birth to my child. And then died. I think that about covers it. Oh, and I have worn lots of argyle.

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Advice for a lonely pup

spingirl | 08 December, 2005 13:36

Dear spingirl,

I have a problem that I hope you can help me solve. I am an adorable pitbull terrier who lives in Southern California with a cute blonde girl and her balding father. Last year, I went through some problems (I went through a very confusing phase where I wasn't sure who I really was - I felt like a completely different dog - but that resolved quickly) But blonde food girl always took me out to the beach, on walks, to chase bad guys, and to stakeouts (did I say steak?). I even got to save her life a couple of time. You would think that would earn me an unending supply of Milkbones and tummy rubs, but no.

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