Whoopsy!
Parting is such sweet sorrow
The "O" Word
The Baby Borrowers: Episode 1
What exactly does the "M" in AMA stand for again?
Disgusted by the Stars
You Know the Economy's Really Hurting When
The Baby Botchers
Chucky's Little Dog?
The Joy of Food Service

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Advice for ANTM's Jade

Dear spingirl,

Look, I’m not writing because I need advice – I’m writing because I need to give some advice to these girls I live with. See, I’m 26 and I am in a competition with some other girls. I can’t really say what the competition is, but it’s not for America’s Next Top Best Friend, ok? Anyway, the other girls in this competition just don’t see how down-to-earth and cool I am and they hate on me instead. And hey, I can handle their hate, ok? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve lived in the belly of the beast – I can deal with a bunch of wannabe models with bad skin, ‘kay? It’s just that I want the other girls to see the real me. I want them to see how versatile and totally different I am. I mean, I know I’m hot and beautiful, but I’m still humble on the inside. And I want the other girls to see that. I know the other girls are just hating on me because they know I’m a threat. I’m a strong-ass woman. I’m a souljah sister. I don’t need to go around with a facazz of nicenessness. I am who I am: an exotic racial butterfly. But I want these girls to realize who I am. I want them to recognize who I am: that this girl’s got something. So, what advice should I give the other girls? - signed, The Undiscovered Supermodel

Dear Completely Discovered Superbitch,

Have you ever heard the term “She doth protest too much?” That would probably be a step up for you. Because let me lay some reality out for you, m’kay? If you’re 26 and still an “undiscovered supermodel,” even Tom Cruise trying to convince us he really impregnated Katie Holmes is fresher than you.

And as for the other girls hating you, can you really blame them? “Belly of the beast?” “Souljah sister?” “Exotic butterfly?” Who actually talks like that? Really? Do you have a Delusional-Inspirations-a-Day calendar sitting on your dresser? A conversation with you must be like a crazy trip through Wonderland with Donald Trump playing the part of the white rabbit. Seriously, do you ever LISTEN to yourself? Because if you did, you might realize that when everyone around you does not like you, it’s probably not their problem, it’s your problem. And for you to claim that they are jealous or they are the ones who don’t get you simply doesn’t make a lot of sense. You’re mean. You’re antagonistic. And you do horrible things to the English language. Recognize. Instead of focusing on how much of a “threat” you are to others, maybe it’s time to focus on how much of a threat you are to yourself. You could be the most gorgeous being on the face of the Earth, but with as much delusion and venom as you’re spewing, all others will see is the ugliness of your personality. And you know that old saying: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.

Man, I’d hate to see one of your x-rays.

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