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Advice for the Collagen Addicted Female

spingirl | 17 December, 2005 17:47

Dear spingirl,

Hi! So, I like have this problem, and it's like way bigger than trying to figure out whether "Chicken of the Sea" is chicken or tuna. It's about my face. See, a couple of weeks ago, my husband, whom I'll call "Rick", well, we broke up. And I was a little bummed, because, like Christmas is right around the corner, and I thought "Who's going to buy me a really cute present now?" (Though Daddy did say if I was a good girl and asked Santa really nicely, something nice might just pop up for me!).

So, there I was, feeling really bummed. It's Thanksgiving, I'm listening to my supremely non-talented little sister prattle on about how she's so edgy and hardcore (Whatever! We all saw the little jig you did on SNL, sis - neither edgy nor hardcore), and just feeling horrible. But Daddy made a terrific suggestion to brighten my mood: "Honey, why don't you go get your lips done." Daddy assured me that it would make me look sexy and desirable, and I think he was about to say more, but he had to go to the bathroom.

Well, I thought it was a great idea. What better way to feel better than to give myself a really sexy smile? That'll show Nick, er, Rick, that I don't need him to make myself wanted or a success. So, Daddy took me to the doctor and I got my lips puffed. Daddy said they look fantastic and not too slutty. He said God wouldn't have made collagen if he didn't want me to inject it in my lips. And you know what? Daddy's right!

So, my problem: A lot of the magazines and internet people are saying that my lips look really bad. I don't get it! Sure, my mouth hurts all the time, and I can't really smile or talk like normal, but it looks great. Why can't they see how sexy and independent I really am, like Daddy does? - signed, Lips like Sugar


Dear Girl Whose Lips Could Buoy Ships,

What you are describing is a common problem in many parts of the country these days. Women thinking their lips are too thin and thinking that plumping them up with a little collagen would make them look better. Unfortunately, many women do not seem to understand that "less is more" and they fall prey to a savage, sad syndrome.

Of course, I speak of Trout Lips Syndrome.

Many actresses are afflicted with Trout Lips Syndrome. Some of the better known Trout Lippers are

Lisa Rinna lipsLisa Rinna,

Meg Ryan lipsMeg Ryan,

and most recently,

Lohan lips inflatedLindsay Lohan.

Trout Lips Syndrome should not be confused with Duck Lips Syndrome, with which the Olsen Twins Olsen twins duck lips

and Donald Trump The Donald duck lipsare afflicted.

Duck Lips Syndrome differs from Trout Lips Syndrome in that Duck Lippers do not actually have anything injected into their fish pouts, rather, they just push out their lips constantly in the misguided attempt to look more sexy. While Duck Lippers may have better developed muscles around the mouth, the lips themselves are actually of normal size.

Trout Lips Syndrome can become a serious problem, and it is important to seek help immediately. Daily doses of reality can be helpful in combating the urge to plump ones lips to the point of pontoons. This is a difficult illness to overcome, but with perseverance and the counsel of someone with a mirror, it can be treated. Good luck to you, and try not to get your lips caught in the door.

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