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Advice for a somnolent lass

spingirl | 09 December, 2005 12:10

Dear spingirl,

Hiii. I have a problem. I won this modeling show, and became a model. And it was like, waaaaoooow, I’m a totally different person now. See, I had a lot of problems in the last couple of years that I thought having a Mohawk would get rid of. But I’m not going to go into any details about why I was angry or troubled, because leaving it vague makes it more dramatic and mysterious and makes it seem like I have depth. So, like I was saying, I went on this modeling show and in spite of my obviously non-existent personality, I won. It was the most amaaaazing moment of my life. I had to take two extra Valium just to stay calm. Suddenly, I was a real life fashion model. Waaooow.


I went from waiting tables to watching how lipstick is made. It was amaazzing. I got to do lots of high-fashion modeling jobs, like walking in a fashion show for Wal-Mart. You could say it was my life. As a cover girl. Well, to get to my problem: I need to find my niche in modeling. How can I become a supermodel if I can’t convince people how exciting I truly am? – Signed, American’s Next Top Sedative

Dear Sominex,

Thank you so much for you letter! [yawn, stretch] It really helped cure my insomnia and I got a terrific little nap in. And that may be your answer, Ms. Model: forget trying to be something you’re not. Embrace the soporific nature of your being. Do you know how many millions, even billions, are spent on sleep medications? Or on medications in general? Just watch your evening news – practically every commercial is trying to sell a pill to settle your stomach, lower your blood pressure, raise your penis – or make you sleep. Do you know how in demand you could be as a spokesman for a sleep medication? You could wear a high fashion outfit - like pajamas - and demonstrate how to pose in order to look fierce while you sleep. And the mohawk? Bed head. Enough said. The best part? Most people won’t care how long your sideburns are or how pathetically bad your makeup is because they will have their eyes closed and be fast asleep. It’s a win/win situation! [yawn] I would say more, but just thinking about you is making me sleepy…

Advice for Celebrities :: Comment (4) :: Permalink :: Trackbacks (0)

cruel and unwarranted [Reply]

clearly you enjoy stepping on kittens, pups, and infants. naima is a sweet caring individual who never hurt anyone. she's had a hard life and is doing her best to recover from it and help her twin recover from it. mind you she's still fierce and is fullfilling her modeling commitment. don't further penalize someone having a hard time. you never know what they can do. can you say kate moss? naima is by far more genuine, sincere, and sweet. good luck at persecuting sweet strangers thru the anonymity of the internet to gain evil joy and make yourself seem important.

nik | 10/12/2005, 19:22

How did you know? [Reply]

Why yes, I do enjoy stepping on kittens, pups, and infants (though it's dreadful trying to get your shoes cleaned up afterwards). As for making myself feel important, I thought that's what the cocaine was for...oh, wait, that's when I am supposed to say "Kate Moss"...

spingirl | 10/12/2005, 20:56

issues! [Reply]

you really need to grow up.

lovely | 09/02/2006, 17:00

Growing up [Reply]

And why, pray tell, would I want to do that?

spingirl | 10/02/2006, 11:53

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